Love your stories, Dee! This is better than the Soap Opera Network!

Dee, What a great sense of humor you have! Thank heavens there is NOT a trace of claustrophobia in you! A half hour in a tanning bed!!! OMG I would have been in the hospital. I am so fair that if I start to show the least bit of pink while I'm still in the sun, I'll be covered in huge blisters within a couple of hours! Sun is scary!! My complexion is a good match for the white underbelly of toad

I love all your reasons for staying lc. You can do this!

Cynthia

Dee...

Do you have any more assignments to do? I feel like it's ME talking when you write them! Thanks for journaling and sharing all your personal baggage with us! You're the bestest!!!!

Yes Kathy....In fact, I'm gonna be back to the assignment tonight. I had planned to have that done fairly quickly...but alas....life got in the way.

Kinda weird...I'm glad that someone can relate...but I'm also sorry that someone can relate...LOL...isn't that weird.

BTW...I peeked ahead in the paperwork of my assignment. At the end, I have to decide whether or not to sign a contract with myself to keep my decision and move forward with it. Now....what do you think the decision will be...contract or no contract. (I'm not gonna sign it until I do the whole assignment. You don't sign a contract without reading the fine print. LOL. ).

And...I work in Litigation with contracts....Am I gonna have to sue myself before this is over.

Be looking for the next installment this evening.

Hope things are good for you and thanks for stopping by. I needed a reminder to focus on what I'm trying to accomplish. That's my adult ADD kicking in.

See ya,
Dee

A pile of dirty clothes and......A LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!!!!!

Okay, I posted on another thread that I was working on my house today because it was/is a freakin' mess. Who would've thought that I would have got a good dose of where I was, where I went, where I am, where I'm going and where I wanna be in this weight loss journey.

I started this journey at 347.5 lbs and size 34 in jeans. I have since then gotten rid of size 34, 32, 30, & 28 jeans. They are all gone from my house. Not one pair. I didn't even save the step into these jeans with a friend pair. They are ALL gone. I think I have one pair of 26 left, a couple of 24's, a lot of 22's and one pair of 20's. I got in the 20's for about a week. They were tight, but not obsenely tight, just let me know that I need to appreciate breathing. LOL.

In my old journal, I couldn't wait to get in my daughter's jeans and I did...(and she was MAD!!!). LOL.

So today, I was going through a mountain of laundry. I threw all the jeans that were in this moutain in the laundry with a couple of black t-shirts that I wear to volleyball.

Dryer beeped...time to fold and put these away. (The mountain is now just a mountain of towels....YIPPYYYYYYYYYYYYY).

I'm folding the jeans, not really paying attention to much of anything, when I came across this pair of jeans that was small. Very small in comparison to the other jeans in the stack. I'm like who the heck's jeans are these. (I don't remember having too much tequila last night and no strange man is hanging around my house..LOL--just kidding...) I looked at the tag. THESE WERE THE SIZE 20. I teared up. I'm not in those 20's anymore. I'm in the 24's and if I don't get control, those aren't going to work much longer. Good grief. I was physically getting into those small jeans not so long ago. Mentally, I can't believe I was ever in those small jeans...but that was the pair of size 20's that I had. Unbelievable. Simply unbelieveable.

I kept folding. I picked up a pair of the size 24. I remember buying this particular pair, because they were a little more embellished. These were for my night out with the band. (I'm a groupie...yep, I am...my boys are great and I spend every weekend with them). I started remembering how proud I was when I got in these 24's. I also remember when they were too baggy and I went to size 22, because I was only in 24's for a millisecond.

I started daydreaming a little about my weight loss journey and all the JEANS. I remember the first pair that I bought in the 28's. I was out of the 30 somethings and in 28's. I remember feeling like a million bucks when I got in the 28's. I got a trendy top and wore those 28's and that top with all the confidence in the world. It's funny, because those same 28's (if they were still in my house) would bring shame and guilt to me today....because I know what it's like to get in the 20's. But, when I first got in them. I owned the world.

I kept folding and kept daydreaming. I got to a shirt. Good Lord...who owns this shirt...It's HUGE. I mean it was a big old black t-shirt. I looked at the tag. It was a 5X, that I wore to play volleyball in. I pulled it over my head. NOW...if I wore that to volleyball now...it would be obsene. When I put my arms out to the side, you could see from one side to the other. LMBO. I thought I had gotten rid of all those sized things, but this one had made it to the bottom some pile and just never saw the light of day until today.

What a visual of my experience....all in one load of laundry. A mixture of emotions. The size 20 jeans have earned a spot hanging on the outside of my closet door, over the top, so that I will see it every morning when I'm getting dressed. Beside it...the size 5X shirt has earned a spot too (No...I'm not getting rid of it. Maybe someday me and a couple of my friends will get into it). These 2 items of clothes represent where I can and will be, depending on my choices. Neither are where I am now, so the choice is up to me. One thing for sure is....I will get back into one or the other of them...but not both. It's my choice.

I think God is working on me right now. I think that's why he let me experience the size 20's and I think that is why he saved a size 5X shirt in the laundry mountain. God works in mysterious ways. Never thought that I'd be thankful that I am so lazy when it comes to laundry!!!!

Dee

P.S. My b-day is September 22. I'd like to give myself the gift of being back in the size 20's by then. It's a goal. I might make it and I might not...but I won't if I don't try.

HI Dee, Children can sure turn us inside out, can't they?

I know you know this but these ideas have helped me. Throwing money or food at a problem never fixed it. While stuffing myself because of some overwhelming emotion, I would get so mad at myself because the problem was still there and my stomach was stuffed with really poisonous carbs. I don't know where I found the endurance but I started forcing myself to feel the emotion! Letting it wash over me, I would feel the panic set in and the eat, eat, eat response that always quelled the panic. I remember one time hanging on to the kitchen counter swamped with emotion and panic trying to rip the counter off the cabinets I held on, and the panic oozed away just like a wave from the ocean and NOTHING BAD HAPPENED to me. I felt the emotions and some were pretty ugly but I got through it. Everytime I want to stuff my rage, anger, fear, sorrow, I tell myself that food will not solve the problem. Only I can solve the problem. Stuffing will only create another problem. I'm close to the end of day 2 of a restart eating strict atkins induction. I feel very good both physically and mentally.

Tell me where to find flylady? What is that all about. My house is clutter city. OF course I'm married to a packrat. But it isn't all his!

Hang in there, girl. You will succeed!

It is http://www.flylady.com. (Someone tell me if I am not suppose to post site addresses out here).

It starts as simple as shining the kitchen sink and I'm gonna tell you, it really works. It sounds crazy, but when you work her program and start with baby steps it works.

You sign up for free and she will bombard you with emails, but I learned to sort through the ones that I needed and delete the ones I didn't. A lot of testimonials, if I have time and they sound interesting, I'll read through them...otherwise I delete the email "clutter". LOL.

You are right about the feelings. I journaled extensively about that at my old site. In fact, I have a copy of that journal and I need to find one that I posted one particular night that I gave in and binged, but after I realized what I had done...I came straight to the journal and re-lived every emotion. I learned alot by not only journaling it, but by feeling the emotions. I learned a lot about myself. I'm such a people pleaser that I didn't even really know who I was. I just knew who everyone wanted me to be.

The irony....when I was completely given into pleasing others. I couldn't even tell you my favorite color. Is that not CRAZY????. I wanted my favorite color to be whatever someone else wanted it to be.

I think that's where part of my struggle is now...I'm growing out of that. But in doing so, some people don't really like my new assertiveness. So, when I fell off the wagon...everything retreated, including my esteem and confidence.

Thank you for sharing. I know exactly what you are talking about. Congratulations on Day 2 and feeling better. I'm sure that I'm going to be writing about feeling better with each passing day.

Dee

Okay...back to the assignment.

Today...If things go perfectly...what will life be like for:

MY SPIRITUAL/EMOTIONAL LIFE:

Spiritually, I believe in God. I always have. I don't always do what I'm suppose to do. The church pews don't see me often. That has less to do with my weight and more to do with confusion on who I am. I was raised in the Church of Christ, but I have found as I got older that my views are more aligned with the Catholic Church than the church that I was raised. I happen to have found a friend a few years ago who is a devote Catholic. He & his family have talked to me and I watch them walk the talk, I just haven't moved in the direction to which I feel I'm being called. But....I don't think that my decision here will affect that one way or the other.

My emotional life. OMGoodness. The changes that I have experienced so far, tell me that it only gets better. Now, I don't believe that I won't have some of those pesky negative emotions. That's life. Sometimes your sad, sometimes bad things happen. That's life. But, the positive things are so much more positive when I'm onplan, losing weight and getting healthy. The confidence and esteem. NOT ARROGANCE. CONFIDENCE. It's a great feeling. It let's you take some of the bad and not feel like everything happens to you because...you are a big fat failure.

When I am onplan, losing weight, and getting healthy....My passive aggressiveness turns into healthy assertiveness. Let me tell you, when my passive aggressive comes out...it comes out with a vengence, usually leaving the other party going...what the??????. When I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing, I am able to be assertive and stand up for myself and my rights, without violating someone else's rights.

My smile (a symptom of my happiness emotion)....I was told once...when I had lost 100 lbs, that I had a smile on my face that was genuine and made my eyes sparkle. This person had no reason to say that to me. In fact, they didn't even know that I had lost 100 lbs....until I showed them my driver's license.

My anger....when I'm doing what I am suppose to do...is generally not displaced. If I am mad, I know exactly why I am mad and I react accordingly. When I'm offplan, I'm just a very very angry person. Even angrier now...that I know what it feels like to be in control and onplan.

I think I'm ordinarily a friendly person. But, I am very reserved and untrusting. When I'm onplan, all the sudden I open up. I am more trusting (now I don't wanna go crazy here, but offplan and at 350 lbs, I didn't trust anyone. The walls were built high and strong and there was no one getting in....is it a wonder I'm lonely most the time.). As I lost weight, I learned that you have to open up and let folks in. Sure...you are opening yourself up to be hurt....but you are also opening yourself up to be loved and love others. To be cared for and care for others. I choose to believe that there are more folks out there that want to embrace you...(if you are real and genuine) than want to hurt you.

There are a lot of positives for me emotionally if I continue on my decision.
****************************************************

If things go absolutely perfectly, what would it be like for my:

KEY RELATIONSHIPS...
Well, it's no secret that a lot of what got me where I am today is because of a failed relationship. I've journaled and posted at naseum about him. The love of my life. He is on his 5th marriage...none to me. And after every divorce...he comes "home". Oh well, a smarter girl would realize......STOP BEING HIS SAFE HAVEN. The romantic in me makes a harlequin romance out of it.
Anyway...this time he hurt me and hurt me bad. I'm in tears right now thinking about it.
But, I need to realize that (with 5 marriages under his belt) he's issues ARE NOT MY WEIGHT. No matter what he says....HIS ISSUES ARE HIS ISSUES. Maybe if I scream that loud enough, someday I will believe it, but right now....I still struggle with thinking that I am not good enough for him. (yes...I spend 2 hours a month on the therapists couch for a reason...LOL).
I put him first, because I need to know that the positive will NOT BE THAT HE ACCEPTS ME. THE WEIGHT IS NOT THE PROBLEM. The postiive will be that I finally believe that I deserve better than this unhealthy relationship. I can love him..but he is no good for me. I love Hostess Ho Ho's, but they are not good for me. I love tequila, but it is not good for me. HE IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. And, I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO DESERVE MORE.
whewwwwwwwwwwww. now that he is out of the way.
My daughter.....with her...all I can say right now....is that if I follow through with my decision...maybe I will be a better role model for her to make good choices for herself.
My business relationships--they suffer because of my lack of confidence. I have been told that I am tops at what I do. I never believe it, because I never feel like I am "good enough". Is that not irony...your boss tells you your great....your response is...nay...not good enough. That'll get you a good annual raise...won't it. LMBO.
I think I realize that what I get out of my key relationships is a reflection of what I feel about myself. DID YOU HEAR THAT DEE...IT'S A REFLECTION OF WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF..YOU ARE TELLING THEM HOW TO TREAT YOU AND HOW TO FEEL ABOUT YOU!!!!! (I need to repeat this and write it 100 times on the blackboard).

****************************************************
Finally....if things go perfectly what will it be like for:

MY HEALTH..
Okay, I started this taking meds for Type II diabetes, cholestrol, blood pressure and depression. I take NO meds now. NONE. ZIP, NADDA.
I'd say that the proof is in the pudding there.


NOW. the next couple days this assignment will focus on "If things go wrong, what will it be like for ....me, family members, friends, my career, finances, spiritual/emotional life, key relationships and health. That has the potential to bring a lot of negativity to the top, but I think it's a line of questioning for the purpose of the overall assignment. I kinda wish that the negative stuff had been first in the assignment, but I'm guessing that the good "ole doctor had her reasons for putting it in this order.

That's all for now.
Dee

Hey Dee,

What do you mean by "If things go wrong" as opposed to "If things go perfectly?"

I came to your "house" here b/c I just wanted to see how you are doing since your SOS. I think one of the key factors (def. for me) in improvement is being able to be honest. And I "hear you" about how anger in its appropriate form is not misplaced. But store it up b/c you are being "nice" (ha), and it's a minefield!

You certainly have a lot of energy--that bodes well for all your goals!

Hey Caroline. Thanks for stopping by and the words of encouragement.

The "if things go wrong" vs. "if things go right", is part of an assignment from my eating disorders therapist. I have been journaling it here. But I'm deciding....that I am definitely wanting things to go right. LOL.

Thanks for stopping by and checking on my SOS. I really appreciate it.

Dee

Hey, Dee! Just stopping by to spread that LC Cheer again! I am reading all your books, I mean posts.... LOL! It could take a lifetime to catch up!!! Lovin' it!

BTW--- Isn't it past your bedtime??? Whatcha doin' up still? LOL

LOL...I have been accused of being windy......with the keyboard. I just got in from volleyball and was catching up (while watching Nashville star). Yep, it's way past my bedtime.

DEEDLYNN Wrote:Yes Kathy....In fact, I'm gonna be back to the assignment tonight. I had planned to have that done fairly quickly...but alas....life got in the way.

Kinda weird...I'm glad that someone can relate...but I'm also sorry that someone can relate...LOL...isn't that weird.

BTW...I peeked ahead in the paperwork of my assignment. At the end, I have to decide whether or not to sign a contract with myself to keep my decision and move forward with it. Now....what do you think the decision will be...contract or no contract. (I'm not gonna sign it until I do the whole assignment. You don't sign a contract without reading the fine print. LOL. ).

And...I work in Litigation with contracts....Am I gonna have to sue myself before this is over.

Be looking for the next installment this evening.

Hope things are good for you and thanks for stopping by. I needed a reminder to focus on what I'm trying to accomplish. That's my adult ADD kicking in.

See ya,
Dee

Dee,

I think we have a lot in common! I was always the type to read from back to front... especially magazines! I've never really liked surprises too much either. Maybe that's part of the Control Freak in me, LOL. I always loved to peek inside the Christmas gifts, and then re-wrap them! How about you? LOL I think I'm borderline ADD too!!! It's amazing the things we figure out about ourselves on these forums!

UPDATE: Another thing we have in common is DIRTY LAUNDRY! I HATE DOING LAUNDRY... WE BOTH HAVE LAUNDRY-PHOBIA! LOL.

DEEDLYNN Wrote:LOL...I have been accused of being windy......with the keyboard. I just got in from volleyball and was catching up (while watching Nashville star). Yep, it's way past my bedtime.

I think it's an hour later on your time. Heck! I'm just getting started!! Grab yourself a cup of Java, and let's get posting!! I've been accused of being a Night Owl... must be my Retail Mgmt. background!

Dee,

It's been my pleasure and an honor to chime in to your sites. Let me just say that reading what you write is like seeing several fourth of July parades at once! You are funny, and touching, and full of zest!

I'm really interested in knowing more about the if things go wrong and if things go perfect...that sounds great. cause that was always/is always at the heart of the problem. I think it was cbmarie who mentioned hanging on to the counter when things were tough and watching the wave pass. That is EXACTLY how I have described it. Guess my point is, I have been working with both those concepts--but not consciously.

The "good" can get me so nervous and fearful of "failure" that I sabotage myself.
The "bad"--just the thought of it, can also make me so nervous that I avoid, avoid, avoid. I've been working with feeling the emotion--like you mentioned--just feeling it and not always having to be H-A-P-P-Y!!! (Read this with pasted smile.)

Like you, I LOVE being joyful, and I am exuberant about life much of the time, but my problem has always been that I thought I MUST be this way all the time or I am a bad ungrateful person. So neat to hear about what you're working on--gives me more fodder for the old Spirit.

Okay...I'm watching Nashville star and catching up on the posts here. I am curious about the next stage of this assignment, which focuses on what could go wrong...

It says...If things go wrong (with my decision & plan to lose weight & get healthy) what will it be like for:

ME:
Wow, maybe I shouldn't have taken this on tonight. I'm tired, but I'll take a poke at it.

For me, if things go wrong and I don't see this through, well, quite honestly, I don't think I will ever be happy with myself. I can't accept myself the way I am. Not for any other reason, other than I know right now...I'm not the best me I can be. For me, I need to be striving to be "better".

Another thing, is being proud of myself. I deserve to accomplish something in my life that I'm proud of. I can't think of anything that would make me feel more accomplished and more proud than defeating this FAT. And, what's more....I KNOW I CAN DO IT!. Now, if I didn't believe I could do it, I think it would be easier to accept myself as I am. But, since I know that I can do it, I can't accept myself sitting back and throwing it away.

For me, not making this come true...means watching the life that I want pass me by. The ability to move freely. The ability to walk with confidence. Not having to be scared that I wouldn't fit through an aisle or in a seat. Being scared that every judgement ever made about me had to do with my size.

Not making this come true....means living a life of shame, blame and guilt, which I am working so hard to break away from. Living a life that has a huge...overpowering regret. A regret that I am not willing to accept as the sum total of my life, but it sure feels like it will be if I don't accomplish this. You see, this weight is in the forefront of my mind. It has been for as long as I can remember. It never leaves me. I never forget the weight is there. **** HUGE HUGE DISCLAIMER HERE....I've been know to get very personal when journaling, so know that I will keep this clean....but if you embarrass easily, or don't like to know personal details....STOP READING. Okay, I never forget the weight is there. That makes it very hard to be very open physically with your significant other. As a heavy woman (and that's the only reference that I have--LOL--never been a man), anytime a man has gotten physically close to me...in my space, I keep an arms length between us. Hugs are distant. I'm self conscious. If we are going to cuddle on the couch, it's gonna be in the dark. I have no idea why I think it's any different cuddling in the dark. Kissing is almost impossible from an arm's length away, but I don't want him pressed up against what I am ashamed of. (Does that make any freakin' sense at all!!!).

I have a guy friend. He's special. Not Mr. Right, but he and I understand each other. We've been friends for a long time. I know that we have danced together a lot. He is a very athletic guy, very good looking and a very good build. When we dance, it's definitely at an arm's length.....or had always been. About 4 months ago...when I was at 240 lbs, we danced again and he pulled me tight. His arms were completely around me. We were close and as much as I loved the moment....I was so self-conscious. I tried to pull away and it just made him pull me tighter, so I had no choice but to slow down, take a deep breath and enjoy the dance. He whispered to me that I was a good friend and he would always be there for me. He was not ashamed to be with me...out in public, and dancing. I was ashamed for him. I journaled about it in an old journal. How good it felt that he could put his arms around me and really make me feel like a woman. He tears down the walls. NOW, while our relationship is a little...different.. we neither one want to be more than friends...or special friends. whatever you want to call it. But, he's not ashamed of me. I can't say the same for my ex, isn't that sad.
For me, I want to get use to being comfortable being close to a man. To be able to accept myself and my body, and ESPECIALLY, when the man that I'm with accepts me. It is sad to think that I could live this life without understanding an appreciating a solid relationship between a woman and a man.
There is another guy in my life. I haven't known him long, but he made a big impact the first night I met him. He's a singer in a band. The first night we met, he told me he thought I was pretty. Another night, we were talking and he told me to never let a guy hurt me again like Gary had. He told me that Gary would come running back when he saw the changes that I had made in myself and it was up to me to let him keep running right on by me. He told me that I had potential. This guy means the world to me. Not because he's anything more than a friend, but he really made me start believing in myself again. The funny thing.....he has girls throwing themselves at him all night long. He picked me to spend sometime with and give me the present of some special words. If things go wrong with my decision to lose weight, I won't be living up too..(or deserving) of those words and my potential.
So for me, if things go wrong....I think it would be devastating. I think of how sad I am about my backsliding right now. I can't imagine not getting out of this saddness and stepping back out into the sunshine....AND LIFE!.
Well, there's a POSTFUL of thought.
Dr. McFarland....YOU ARE KILLING ME WITH THIS ASSIGNMENT...or maybe...your saving my life.
Dee

...and yet another MASTERPIECE ASSIGNMENT! Go, Dee! I honestly think you could be on the Best Sellers List! You should keep copies of all your journaling, and maybe write a book someday when you reach goal weight. I'm serious, YOU have a special talent with writing and inspire so many of us!

TOTALLY AGREE WITH KATHY! You're writing is "righting!" It just feels right. You are all heart!

Thanks so much for being open--I don't think it was too personal at all. We like personal here--who needs surface talk?? That is understandable (even though you want to change it) that you pull away--that's what we do when we have fear. Everyone in the world can tell you you don't have to do this, but you have to feel the safety in yourself.

That friend of yours (the new one) sounds like a special man. He can see that you are special.

I had one thought for you, Dee, that might be helpful. (You gotta "try it on" and see--) what about the idea that you can be a bit of perfection in each moment? The idea is that you don't have to wait a week or a month to be able to feel that appreciation for yourself. If you think about it, we manage to feel like poop when we feel bad, and we don't give ourselves the courtesy of holding off to feel bad until later. (don't know if this seems wacky or makes sense) So what about the idea of giving yourself a "treat" (it's carb free!) of recognition for the time from 9 to 10 that you did well--or for the hours between 2 and 3? You get my point? If you can give yourself that nourishment in little bits and pieces, maybe you don't have to "wait" until whatever perfection means to deserve love.

I think you deserve it right now because you are putting out nice ideas and are very generous with your feelings and thoughts and that is a gift!

Just droppin' by to say HOWDY! I hope you're having a GREAT day!

Sam

Kathy & Caroline---Thank you for the kind words. I read your posts when I got to my desk this morning and you had me tearing up so I didn't respond at the time. LOL....can't let 'em see ya crying can ya!!!! LOL.

Anyway, I do really appreciate the comments and Caroline you are right, maybe it's time to give myself credit for what I have done right so far. I was just thinking this morning after your post....I have been kicking myself in the rear since I weighed in this morning, but I didn't give myself credit for being more than 30 days cigarette free. Hey....the cigarettes were an accomplishment to DeAnna (that's me), so the scale was up a few...the lungs are clearer. So I like the idea that I can celebrate the mini accomplishments along the way to the goal line.


HEY SAM!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for stopping by!!!!

I'm gonna be making that cheesy chicken you posted too...that looked great.

See ya later,
Dee