New site, new & old friends, same journal title. I'm a music buff and this journal title has just clicked with me.

I'm looking for a change and seem to have stumbled across some great people along the way.

I've been journaling for about 3 months now. My journal has been a great source of thinking through some food issues and just plain old life issues. I've journaled openly and honestly about the good, the bad and the ugly.

I can tell with this entry, it's gonna take me a while to get that stride going again....but I will, and when journaling properly, it proved to be well worth it to me.

As for today, it's like the first day of school, for a new kid in a new town....I'm probably a little bit quieter and more reserved than I normally am. And, that's fine. There's a bit of calming that comes with quiet and reserved.

Glad to be here. Glad to have opened the first page of a journal.

I love the name of your journal! The screen name I use often is rockynrobyn (rockinrobin was already taken!) . . . . I am a music lover . . . not sure I know enough to be a music buff. I just know that I love to listen to many kinds of music!

Welcome or is it welcome back?

Robin

Indeed WELCOME Dee! It's GREAT to have you here and I hope you find the warmth of friendship and love that so many people here share with each other.

Welcome Dee! You'll like it here

Thanks everyone. Thanks for the welcome. Robin not sure if it's a welcome or welcome back. I posted a couple times last year, but never really settled in. I'm here to settle in now.
Jimmy & Sue...thanks for stopping by.

Deedlyn,
Glad to see you found a place to settle. I followed your situation and understand what you are going through. I have been trying to find my way since last September. Good luck and I look forward to following your success here.

Mary

Okay, so now I am really ready to start journaling again and get this show on the road. I cooked a bunch of good lo-carb things on Sunday and then boom...Monday...well...I have walking pneumonia. Actually I guess it started last Friday, but at that point I thought it was nothing more than a cold. Anyway, it has kinda side tracked me, but not completely.

I joined a challenge here and am ready to start contributing some of my excess pounds to the cause.

It's been really rough here lately. Not just feeling ill, but trying to get my feet back underneath me before I gain 108 lbs back. That would be devastating.

So, the past couple days I have been on-plan technically, but not really eating what I had planned, just grabbing things as I go through the kitchen and that's not going to work for me in the long run. I think I'll be going back to work tomorrow and I already have my lunch box out and ready to roll. I'm going to try to get in a couple of short walks, but not worry about a "true" work out until I get rid of this hacking cough. Laying around all day hasn't really helped, so I may as well get in a few steps.

I watched a couple of Jimmy's videos today on YouTube and those are very motivating.

Ready to get this ball rolling again. And, here is the place to make it all happen.

I've written this before and it seems appropriate now....

I may be down.....but don't ever count me OUT. I'm BAACCCKKKK!!!!

Alright. Let's try this again. I'm standing back up. Dusting myself off and jumping in the saddle again. I need to resume my journey and leave the distractions behind.

Today, when I was trying to figure out what the heck I was doing, I started thinking about how the old Dee...the 350 lb Dee would say..I'll start again Monday. I'll start after my b-day, I'll start after the Holidays, and so on and so on.

I was proud, when I finally realized that I needed to jump back in the saddle as soon as I fell out. Not Monday, but that very day and that very hour.

The past couple months, I have struggled, with the excuse of distractions and that excuse has worn very thin for me. In fact, it's just not acceptable anymore.

I've been really listening to Chris Daughtry's song over you. I thought it was because of a failed relationship that I am still struggling with.....now it has a brand new meaning to me. If you have followed any of my story to this point...you will get this. If you haven't just enjoy the words....I don't want this journal re-hash everything...I want to PROGRESS WITH PEACE.

Over you

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.

[/b]What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

This song is about a new start...new opportunities and growth. That's where I am...this is my start. This is my singing journal.

I hope you stop in and sit for a spell. I hope you remind me that this is a journey...one where it's okay to smile at someone else, encourage someone else, laugh with someone else and cry with someone else. We are only alone by choice....sometimes we have to come out of the darkness into the light...to see that we are not alone.

See ya tomorrow....
Dee[/u]

Dee,

Just want you to know that I have always enjoyed reading your journal!....on Kimkins, and now here too. Your stories are truly from your heart. Just know that there are many of us ex-Kimkins people around.... more than you realize. If you ever need anything, please PM me or stop by my journal--Kathy's Journal. We are all in the same boat....and this boat aint gonna sink, Baby! Hold your head high and move ahead......YOU are so worth the time and effort!

Happy Losing,
Kathy in TX

Hi Kathy....
Thanks for stopping by and the sweet comments (as well as the comment on my reputation--I really really appreciate it).
You are right...we are in the same boat, and likely more of us than we even are aware of.....it's a boat that setting sail with nothing but beautiful beaches awaiting us.
Dee

Today is my new day...my fresh start and guess what....when I made that decision yesterday, I woke up today with a new attitude. (And I like it!). Maybe this really is a decision that you make, not something that "happens" to you. I mean the whole getting healthier, eating right, having a positive attitude.
I wrote to someone yesterday asking how they kept their great attitude and their head on straight. After I thought about it a little bit, they didn't have to answer me. The answer is pretty obvious. They made a decision, that they were going to have a positive attitude, be a positive influence and move in a positive direction. It was a choice.
There is a novel idea...my attitude was not given to me....it was my choice to have it. There might be some personal accountability in that statement and I am about personal responsibility and accountability.
So for today, I'm pretty happy in the fact that I have made a choice to have a good attitude. I've made a choice to be positive and stay with positive people. I have made a choice to eat on plan today and get in a little movement.
Today....my choice is Dee. Be good to Dee. Nurture some confidence and self-esteem in Dee.
My wish for anyone reading this today....is that you make the choice for YOU. Be good to YOU. Nurture YOU. It's your choice.....it's up to YOU!!!!
See ya later.
Dee

Dee, Hi girl nice to see you again! I was wondering where you disappeared to. Kathy is right your post were so inspiring to many of us, so keep up the great posting!!! I'm joining you from Kimkins. Keep up the great losing !!!
Pam

Pam163 Wrote:Dee, Hi girl nice to see you again! I was wondering where you disappeared to. Kathy is right your post were so inspiring to many of us, so keep up the great posting!!! I'm joining you from Kimkins. Keep up the great losing !!!
Pam

Hi Pam....thanks for stopping by and the kind words. Glad you are here from KK as well. I'm finding lots of friendly helpful people. With the help of old and new friends and a little luck....I'll get this journey rolling again.

Hope things are going well for you.

BTW...have you transitioned from KK to ATKINS or another low carb program. Just curious as to where people are settling in at.

See ya,
Dee

Hi Dee,

I'm just putting out a reminder that today was weigh in at the BLC. Also you said you were going to be traveling in mid July, email me and I'll give you my cell number and you can call and leave me the stats.

See you in the challenge room.

Shari

Just stopping by to see how you're doing! Hope you're having a great week.... keep it LC!!!

Just a LC Hello !!

Not been on in a while and now it's time for me to get back to business. For various reasons, I had stopped writing, which was a critical piece of my weight loss journey. In my prior journal, I commented that it was the good, the bad, and the ugly of this experience. It was going to be written as open and honest as I could possibly be. At times it was challenging, but I really made some strides when I did it. I started understanding myself a little bit better. I started recognizing triggers before the "trigger" was pulled and I lost control.

Unfortunately, that piece of the puzzle, which was critical for me, could also be used against me. It made me vulnerable. Without going into all the details, which aren't necessary here, once I realized just how vulnerable it made me. I retreated again. I withdrew and I refused to let myself be "out there" again. That's not going to work for me. Part of this journey is exposing my vulnerability. Reason being....at 350 lbs, I was never vulnerable. I made dang sure of it. I made sure that I only revealed what part of me I wanted to reveal. Very few people got to know me. Very very few. Beiung vulnerable is sometimes painful. But.....I realize that it is also rewarding. Yes, you will run across folks who either through a mean spirit or ignorance hurt you with your vulnerabilities....but there are more people out there who embrace you because of your vulnerabilitiues.

So....here I go. I was struggling with how to get started openly and honestly journalling. Where do I start. Fortunately for me....my eating disorders psycologist fixed that for me with an assignment that she gave me. I can start writing here with that assignment and I hope it grows from there.

The assignment is about keeping personal commitments. This assignment will be a process for me over a few days maybe a week. Because I'm only going to tackle once question at a time. The assignment specifically says to write about it...not just think it because "best practices" are to write out our thoughts and ideas.

So....the first question:

WHAT IS YOUR DECISION? What do I really want to do?

I really want to lose this weight. I really want to feel better. More than anything I want to feel more confident? The confidence that I had at 239 lbs (which I reached for one brief millisecond), was seven-fold that that I had at 350 lbs. At 350 lbs I had no confidence. None...Nadda. As I watched my weight go down and people noticed, my confidence soared. I can't even imagine the confidence that I might have if I got to goal weight.

I'm sorry to say, that my decision is based on the vanity of what I want to do. That feels wrong to me...but health benefits are just...to me...a perk. I've never thought that I was a vain person. I have never thought that I carried my in a vain fashion. I don't wear the latest fashions. I'm just Dee...but I enjoy it when I feel like I look good and I enjoy it when I get comments on the way I look.

My decision is that I want to lose the weight. My decision is that I really want my focus and priority to be weight loss. My decision is that everything else MUST take a back seat to this decision. My decision is to conquer ANY obstacle that is placed in front of me with regards to this weight loss decision. And I have decided that is attainable, because I am in charge of my weight loss. There is no external force that has control of this weight loss decision, only internal forces that have control and those internal forces are within my control.

It's my time. It's my decision.



There it is .....section 1 of the assignment. I will begin section 2 tomorrow night. I will say that as I sat here typing....I felt empowered just by the DECISION. I've read ahead in the assignment and I think there is only more power to come. Guess what. that's exactly what I needed today...some power. Because today I was feeling very powerless.

Welcome back, Deedlynn! I missed you!!!!

This is a journey, not a quick fix.... and, it's all about peeling away the layers. I know you will succeed!!!

Alright...today was a good day. Today I ate onplan. Today I felt empowered and I think it was partly because of the writing and the assignment last night. The chat with my friends at yahoo. Getting connected again. I really needed to be connected again.

So, tonight. Part 2 of the assignment. After the decision....Describe in detail best possible outcome.. How will your life be different if you achieve your goals?

Wow....this sounds like something that I could write forever about. Of course, it's just a VISION of how my life would be different, but doesn't everything that we accomplish start with a VISION.

The best possible outcome.....

First and foremost, I finally become comfortable in my own skin. Well, at least more comfortable. I'm not unrealistic in thinking that I am going to all the sudden have a "perfect" body. Not by far. But, as I have watched some of the weight come off, I did become more comfortable in clothing. Not constantly pulling and tugging to make sure that the fabric was laying the best possible way. (Not that there was a best possible way....but I did obsess about it).

To finally feel normal. I have never felt normal. Now....if you are a teenager struggling with body image issues...never feeling normal...is...well, normal. But in your 30's and 40's, to never feel normal, you really start questioning yourself. What if I'm not normal? It's kinda crazy. I have always let everyone else define "normal" for me. But, I do believe that when I am able to shop in a "normal" clothing store....I will feel more normal. When I am able to sit in movie theater seats and booths. I will feel more normal. In fact, I already experience that. I was the person who would SQUEEZE into a booth at a restaurant. I no longer have to do that. But, now, I look forward to the day that there is absolute "clearance" between me and the table. LOL. If I follow through with this decision, I think I will feel more "normal".

I will finally be accepted. This is a tough one. Because I always look outside myself for acceptance. So, maybe more to the truth is that I will finally accept myself. I have never accepted myself....because I have never been the "best" Dee that I could be. For me...that is not acceptable. Well, for me it is not acceptable that I didn't try to be the best Dee that I could be. I was lazy and unmotivated. It shows in all areas of my life. At some point, I just gave up on everything. Then I did get a little spark of life. The struggle now is keeping that spark lit, but I think I can do it.

I have always joked with my mother that I have "exceeded my potential". Truth is...that I haven't even been reaching for my potential. The word potential has come up a lot for me in this journey. There is a guy....A person of interest. Who told me a few months ago.....you have potential. At the time, I had only known him a couple of weeks. He knew that I had recently lost a lot of weight and changed in my looks. He knew that the catalyst of this change was a failed relationship. He looked at me and told me not to let this other person back in my life, because he didn't deserve me. He would only be coming back for the "wrong" reasons. He said..."you have potential". He literally brought tears to my eyes when he said it. No one has ever told me that I had potential. No one has ever treated me like I had potential. No one has ever made me feel like I had potential. He passed me a lot of strength in those 3 little words...."you have potential". (Funny, I don't think it would have been better hearing the "other" 3 little words-- I love you....but dang...he's a nice and good looking guy...I wouldn't mind hearing them someday---LOL. Nay.....he's never gonna be more than a good friend...but he is a good friend.).

I'd say that if I continue with my decision....my mother would finally be proud of me. But...that's not gonna happen. It's weird. If you asked her. She'd tell you that she was really proud of me. I have never felt like she was proud of me and I don't think I ever will. I don't know why. We have a pretty good relationship. I don't need to figure out why, because I have accepted it for now. If I ever find it to be an obstacle on my journey, I will address it.

I know that Ashley will be more proud of me. The irony is that Ashley and I have a very fragile and fractured relationship, but I could/can tell that when I am losing weight and people are noticing me...she notices and brags about it.

I think I will be proud of myself too. Sometimes, I know that I am ashamed of myself. For various reasons. The state of my personal affairs, the state of my business affairs, the state of my house (which is getting better--thanks flaxy, aj and flylady). Sometimes, I just know that I don't look my best and I didn't even give it an effort that day.

OKAY....this is getting to be a long post, and I hit on some of the "deep" psycological "best outcomes". Now I am going to do a quick "hit list".....

--ride a rollercoaster with my daughter
--go whitewater rafting
--go skiing...(both water and snow)
--date...(not just sporadic...but actually go out on dates)
--take a plane ride (maybe to the low carb cruise in January)
--healthier
--more assertive
--I will smile more (I do like my smile sometimes)
--improve my volleyball game
--more energy
--be taken more seriously
--more bicycling (more comfortably)
--better tan (not as many tan lines...LMBO)
--be able to play more with my granddaughter

That is just a quick list. I'd bet that the list could go on and on and on. If I tried.

The truth is....the best possible outcome of continuing with this decision is that I will get to live and be alive. Gee...sounds like a line in the song of the titlte to my journal.

It's my life & it's now or never....I don't wanna live forever...I just wanna live while I'm alive......

There's some irony....one of my goals is actually a line in the song that's the title of my journal. Oh well....much of this journey has been a series of ironic twists and turns.

Okay....there is the next part of the assignment. I will continue again tomorrow night.

Dee

Dee, it was great to meet you last week. You are an amazing woman.